Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
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My siblings and me have a tradition where we all put in $100 to give to whoever’s birthday it is. So since it’s 6 of us, on each of our birthdays we get $500 to celebrate. Today is my little brothers 30th birthday and he texted us at 5am for his money lol
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
There are two wolves inside of us? I’m pretty sure I have 2 raccoons inside of me and they’re fighting over an old can of beans they found in the trash.
i love meeting boys on tinder
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
I don’t know if I’m dumb or my dog just super smart, she manages to trick me every time, thinking she needs to go outside, but then she stops at the treat cupboard and refuses to go any further until I give her the goods!
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
wife: We just ate, why are you making pancakes?
me: They’re for the dogs
wife: Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?
me: They don’t know how
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
Never answer knocking at your door. It’s always people. Always. Never giant chocolate bars. Only people.
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Nancy by Ernie Bushmiller 5-6-57