If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
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at my girlfriend’s house for thanksgiving and i asked if we could watch the game and she said “of course!” then put on a gossip girl thanksgiving episode
Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
NURSE: What’s your blood type?
ME: Oh, I’m not picky. I’ll drink any kind.
NURSE: What?
ME: What?
If you thought going to the movies was expensive before, now you need a boat
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
Mommy! I cleaned my room. Come see!
*walks past big pile of toys and books in the hallway*
“Great job, sweetie!”
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
*replies to every political email asking for money with my own email asking for money*
Top killers of kids in the ’50s.
1. Abandoned refrigerators
2. Failure to duck and cover
3. Tasty lead paint
4. Playing around at the dinner table
Should I get mad at my boyfriend for not looking at the Instagram story I posted ten min ago? He’s been driving for the last hour
My kids are starting to ask questions that I don’t know the answers to so I’m going to have to trade them in for dumber models.
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
“You can’t put off doing work by just eating snacks all day,” I blatantly lie to my son.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue