[first date]
Her: Are you wearing a wire?
Me: *realizing I forgot to take the hanger out of my shirt before putting it on*
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a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
Jesus: Behold my powers.
*walks onto water and falls in*[back in heaven]
God: HAHAHAHAHA
Angel: HAHAHAHA “behold my powers”
God: HAHAHAHA
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
Cinderella & Clark Kent would be a fun couple. Any time she took off her shoe or he took off his glasses, it’d be: “Who the hell are you?!”
in hell your cat can talk and he openly judges you for everything he saw you doing when you were home alone
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
*watching tv
Me: “Don’t just stand there, idiot! Run! Escape while there’s still time! God, I can’t watch”
Wife: (turns off wedding video)
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
“Raising a child is nothing like having a dog,” I say as my child begs to be let outside so he can pee on a tree.
The best argument for “the sequel is never as good as the original” is birds v. dinosaurs.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
As a Californian, the most frightening thing about the movie Psycho, is the thought of leaving the shower water running for that long.
A snail can sleep for up to 3 years. I didn’t know it was even possible to be this jealous.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I was singing along with a song in the car, and my daughter asked me how I knew all the words. Remembering that it was from playing Guitar Hero, I looked her in the eyes and said, “I used to be in the band.”
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
I read that the middle child is becoming extinct, so I guess you could say I’m an endangered species.
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.