If doctors were truly empathetic they would wear backless gowns too
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Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Not sure, but I think I just got to 3rd base with my toothbrush.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
its been 20 yrs since Celine Dion released “I’m In Love With A Boat”, from the movie “Big Stupid Boat”
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
My husband has finally given up on the notion that he will be able to have an uninterrupted conference call when his coworkers heard me belting out “I’m Every Woman” and has moved his office to the basement.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!
[second day of ninja training]
“Glad to see you’re all taking this more seriously. All except you, Glen. The tap shoes and air horn are, to say the least, antithetical, to what we’re doing here.”
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”