I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.
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I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Welcome to hipster fights. You can ironically hang your scarves over there. There’s PBR and tacos in the food truck. Don’t enjoy yourself.
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
Saw a few feral dads at the grocery today. They’d lost their shopping lists and didn’t have phones. Store staff were attempting to feed them without being bitten.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Writing advice: Write well, not badly. Keep writing until the book is finished. After you’re finished, get the book published. Sell a lot of copies, not just a few.
She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
Psst, hey wake-up, why are there no Oreos in your pantry?
People keep telling me to go burn in hell like there’s something else to do there.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
Surgeon: We’ve successfully removed part of your intestine
Me: That took guts, LOL
Patient: Who is that guy?
Surgeon: I thought you knew him
Underwear and socks come in resealable bags but cereal and potato chips don’t.
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
I have decided to stop exercising and just learn Photoshop.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.