“NO YOU’RE DRUNK,” she says playfully into the mirror, then promptly resumes disappointing her boyfriend’s mom at family dinner.
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[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
‘Lady Doritos’ sounds like something Guy Fieri would call his wife when he’s trying to be romantic
Hey, Sean Bean, it’s either Shaun Baun or Seen Been. You can’t have it both ways.
[Wedding Open Bar in my 20s]
Woohoo! Imma get sooo wasted!![Wedding Open Bar in my 40s]
Woohoo! Imma save maybe $11!
*movie voice*in a world of untold despair one woman will alter fate by staring at a wall
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
I bet cats are sad that they don’t have a middle finger.
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
me: one time during a seance i spilled my beer on the ouija board & accidentally turned my friend into a chipmunk.
guy sitting next to me at the bar: did he ever get turned back into a person?
me: (pointing to the chipmunk sitting next to me drinking an ipa) you tell me
Husband: Why are you whispering?
Me: because I’m wearing spanx and i can’t breathe or feel my hands or feet much less speak in a normal voice
Husband: I don’t know why you wore those it didn’t even make that much difference.
Me: I WILL KILL YOU WITH MY BARE HANDS
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[White House]
Any ideas on how to defeat ISIS?
*Biden excitedly raises hand*
Besides assembling the Avengers.
*Biden dejectedly lowers hand*
I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
“When i bump into an old friend, but we can’t remember our names”