Elsa: 馃幎 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
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The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren鈥檛 we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I鈥檓 a Florida 4, but a Walmart 6, so I鈥檓 a Florida Walmart 5.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Me: I let my guard down.
Prison guard: I鈥檓 not angry, just disappointed.
Only a mother’s love …
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My friend: Have you ever tripped on mushrooms?
Me: Yeah I鈥檓 very clumsy
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?
Make fun of my long hair and I鈥檒l ride past your girlfriend鈥檚 bedroom window on a stallion.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
i don鈥檛 trust anyone who says they miss high school
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I鈥檇 be dead but on the other hand I鈥檇 be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
When I was a kid, a girl called me a witch for having green eyes. She鈥檚 a hamster now.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can鈥檛 can you? That鈥檚 because you鈥檙e the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps