Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
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8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
Parents who have allowed your
8 yr olds to become spoiled brats …We’ll check back in 10 years to see
how that worked out for you.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My 4-year-old asked for hot cocoa, but wanted me to put it in the fridge to cool off before he drank it.
I said, “So you basically want chocolate milk.” His look said, “Don’t even think about it.”
Nothing is worse than having jock itch. ESPECIALLY within 100 ft of a school or playground.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.
dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
Me: Wanna go for a wa—
Dog: [has already brought me leash, phone, travel water bowl, passport]
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
Why is burning a bridge viewed as a bad thing? I mean what if a clown is chasing you?
The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
once i realized that sugar is from cane and is clearly a vegetable, the diet really came together on its own
*Pets a blob in the dark to see if its my cat*
*I’m still not sure*
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.