May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
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Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Me: I’m having a bad day!
Brain: You should buy those $300 headphones so you feel better.
Me: You’re making a lot of sense right now.
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
Every day Facebook tells me I have memories and wants to show them to me. It’s like they have no appreciation for the cost or the amount of liquor I needed to erase them.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
Friend: Are you ok if I cook (whatever) tonight?
Me: Unable to contain happiness that someone else is cooking and cries.
I put my slacks on just like everyone else, from a waterslide into the loving yet frighteningly powerful arms of my pet minotaur Ferdinand
[God creating cats]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but they usually won’t want you to
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
#rubbishjokes
A German arriving at Orly airport in Paris.Customs officer: Occupation?
German: Nein, just visiting.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
I asked my 7yo why she’s so cranky and she said “I just have a lot on my plate right now” at which point my 10yo literally took a fry off her plate and that was not the right move
not to brag but i don’t need alcohol to send texts i’ll regret
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.