It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
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I’m experimenting with how many apples I need to eat a day to keep EVERYONE away, whatever their profession.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
My wife bought me Costco underwear which I assume is the final line of defense against another woman wanting to have sex with me
i did not spend hours helping you clean your house just to be yelled at for hiding dishes in the oven
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
FBI: you are so busted!
Me: omg thanks 🤭
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
If I was Snow White you’d never be able to kill me with an apple…you’d have to poison an eclair or something…
Easily distracted by chicken salad sandwiches
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
There’s nothing sadder then the look on my dogs face after he hears something hit the floor and discovers it’s only lettuce 🙁
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
Parenting log, day 560:
The child has bonded with a slice of American cheese. She’s been hugging it and kissing it for over an hour and it is now half melted. Everything in the house is now covered with cheese. She will not play with anything other than the cheese.
It’s brave, unless you fail. Then it’s just stupid.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
detective: there are hundreds of footprints at this crime scene
crooked centipede cop: [sweating] must have been a hundred murderers
My 5yo made me a zombie card with – what I am told are – a line of zombie GRAVES at the bottom.
GRAVES.