I was going to have a proper career by 30. I’m 47.
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this is the greatest thing ever
7:43 pm: I am in an argument with my girlfriend and my anger is justified
7:51 pm: I have just apologized for the Salem Witch Trials
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Me: I like that racecar.
Her: You know that’s a palindrome.
Me *rolls eyes*: I’m pretty sure it’s a Ferrari.
“Just ask him, Harry.”
“I don’t think-“
“Just ask him.”
“Excuse me, sir? I’m trying to find the Holiday Inn Express.”
HR: So, what would you say is your greatest strength?
Me: I’m really good at stealing office supplies.
HR: *Looks down to throw away my resume but his desk is gone* Holy shit.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
7: “By the year 2057 the oceans will be nothing but trash.”
Me: “Wow, I had no idea. Pretty smart, bud.”
Wife: “You know so many important facts, sweetie.”
*silence*
*3 looks at each of us*3: “Did you know there’s also pink lemonade?”
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
The loudest noise a child can make from another room is silence
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
Modern Warfare: a $700,000,000 dollar plane drops a $50,000 bomb on a $1.00 tent
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks