Give yourself something to look forward to tomorrow: Text a friend, “I think you owe me an apology,” then turn off your phone and go to bed
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My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
*flushes the urinal for the guy next to me* pay it forward, bro.
three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
I can’t believe there’s this yearly Halloween panic about houses giving out good drugs when people won’t even spring for full-size Snickers
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Someone thanked me, and, caught between ‘ok’ and ‘alright’, I whispered ‘karate’ back at them.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
Top 3 screwdrivers:
1. Tool for turning screws
2. Vodka and orange juice
3. Method of Uber payment
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Remember folks 😂
Wife: our daughter can’t find her physics book.
Me: just tell her to use the force lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you took it so you could make a Star Wars joke didn’t you?
Me: I find your lack of faith disturbing.
My fridge is so empty, I just saw a fly in my kitchen wearing a pastry apron, kneading dough and mumbling “He doesn’t even buy bread.”
Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.