When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
You Might Also Like
Spider van
Spider van
How do spiders drive a van?
10 on top
10 below
Where would you like to go?
Get in.
Get in the Spider Van.
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
ME: forgive me father for I have sinned
PRIEST: nothing that can’t be forgiven my son
ME: I microwave my pop tarts
PRIEST: u sick son of a
Labreador
For sale: 1 brain, only dropped once, OW, dammit, ok twice
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Your baby looks the same as it did yesterday.
Me, commenting on a Facebook picture.
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
I take my kids on vacation because I think it’s important for them to experience new and exciting places where they can cry for more screen time
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
I also bought this ice cream today, partially because I wanted ice cream and partially because it made me laugh.
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Take charge of your life and get a home tattoo kit from Amazon. Do you really want a stranger drawing anything permanent on your body?!
“Thanks for turning me into an expression of contempt. Sorry about making delicious nourishment so damned accessible.”
-Low-hanging fruit
Me: I invited Todd over for dinner.
Wife: Uncle Todd or Todd who takes things literally?
*Todd exits out the back door with our television*
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.