Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
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I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
It’s sad your dad left but it could be way worse. What if, instead, you kept getting dads? Every day, until your house was packed with dads.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
I offer kid $1 to do a chore. He sticks dollar in pocket. I get dollar back on laundry day.
Lather. Rinse. Repeat!
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
The plan was to keep eating these alcoholic chocolates until I was either drunk or diabetic. I didn’t bargain on “bankrupt” being an option.
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
When I’m eating shared nachos I’m always thinking 3 nacho moves ahead of my opponent.
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Well, at least tomorrow is Friday.
-Me having a bad Wednesday that’s about to get even worse.
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.
THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
Voted most likely to power walk into a volcano
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style