A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
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Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
mom: why is your room always so messy
me: so that if someone comes in and tries to kill me, they’ll trip over something and die
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
[2 monkeys in a bath]
Monkey 1: OOOHH OOHH AHH AHHH AHAH!!
Monkey 2: If it’s too hot Colin, put some cold water in
The occasional loneliness I feel being single doesn’t compare to the pure bliss of never having to share my Hershey’s cream pie or bacon.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
I don’t watch a lot of UFC fights, but when I do, I like to pause them when someone gets punched or trapped in a weird position, and say, “I bet you’re wondering how I got here”
I hate when I’m drunk and someone says “I’ll talk to you in the morning” like I’m not gonna be drunk then too.
wife: “this is really your idea of an anniversary present?”
me: [on the other walkie talkie] “you didn’t say over, over”
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Putting the word “rage” in everything you say you’re doing makes you sound more productive
I’m rage cleaning the house
I’m rage working this project
I’m rage homeschooling the kids
I’m rage drinking tequila
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
Sometimes I’m scared I’ll miss my kids when they move out but then I find a bowl of cereal in the bathtub tub and I’m not so scared anymore.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.