My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
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“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
The problem with rich people is you’re not one of them.
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
The struggle is real
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
Due dates for babies are like estimated download times.
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
wife’s facebook post: so proud of 8, he’s trying so hard in school! mama loves you!
wife’s text to me: he failed gym. gym!! i need a drink
Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
“Pete’s coming for dinner tonight.”
“Pete from work or Pete who thinks he can walk through doors?”
[Massive thud]
“I’ll just check.”
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I think all public hand dryers should be activated by a sinister laugh.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
The adult version of Marco Polo is calling your own cell phone to track it down.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
Someone gave me a gift and I just found it on a Gifts for Grandma list. This hurts.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
[g/friends dad]
“who in your opinion is the greatest football player of all time?”
Me – [say a real name say a real name] “Football Man”
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
it’s so sad that aladdin was my favorite movie as a kid and now i can’t even remember the main character’s name
#TakeMyAdvice buy a cat that’s been preassembled