Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
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What I say: “Agree to disagree”
What I really mean: “You are dumb and I will allow you to stay that way”
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Joseph: we have to walk to bethlehem for a census thing
Mary, 9 months pregnant: i’m sorry what
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I just learned Avicii is a singer and not Roman numerals for 1952.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
Wife: “There’s this new show on Max, or Apple, or Prime. I can’t remember, but we should watch it.”
Me: “What’s it called?”W: “ummmm”
Me: “What’s it about?”
W: “I don’t remember, but it looked like something I would like.”
best first i’ve ever seen
How was I supposed to know unleashing 342 cats in a club would turn to bone-chilling horror the instant the disco balls started up?
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
These kids act like they’ve never gotten a half-pealed hard boiled egg for Halloween before.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.