Today I learnt that a group of pandas is called an embarrassment. I finally found a group where I fit in
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Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
eggs benadryl
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread
A plague on both your Barbie’s Dreamhouses.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
(Date)
“What’s wrong?”
Oh nothing I’m just a nervous hummer
“Aw how cute!!”
*perfectly hums the entire Jurassic Park theme at full volume*
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.
Wife: You left $5 in the jeans I washed.
Me: I guess I’m guilty… *puts on sunglasses* …of money laundering.
*never gets laid again*
This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
When our children are on their own and off our medical insurance, we’re going to take that extra money and buy Fiji.
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Me: [sneaks off to lay by pool cuz kids are finally playing]
7yo: HERE I AM MOMMY SO YOU DON’T HAFTA BE ALONE
Me: [sigh] Thanks bud.
I’d rather babysit for five toddlers than one parrot.
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward