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Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Is there a class for just the karate noises?
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
My new stove has to be cleaned before the first use so I guess it’s the microwave from now on
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
I am an ordinary woman with a simple dream: Replace all public water fountains with cascading fountains of melted Brie, Cheddar, maybe Gouda.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
*pokes head out of dressing room*
uh yeah, i can’t find a single bottle of ranch in here
my dog when she sees a vacuum: i have no concept of heaven and hell but holy shit you are the devil