Me: “Can I leave work half an hour early?”
Boss: “Only if you make up the time.”
“OK. It’s 35 past 50.”
Boss: “Just go..”
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girlfriend: promise you won’t do anything weird
me: ok
[later at the funeral]
me: [to the tune of my sharona] m-m-m-my condolence
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
When making small talk at a tweet-up, avoid using the word “fungus.”
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
*crosses the street slowly in front of your car at an extreme and unnecessary angle*
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Okay, good. We’ve made Oreos with more Stuff, but now we need to make each Oreo bigger. I want an Oreo that’s a two-hander
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of her child, trying to convince them to go to the activity they convinced me to sign them up for.
Just parrot things
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
hey pregnant lady slowly crossing the street on a green light it’s a baby not a forcefield
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not