Welcome to your 40’s…you can now use this as an excuse not to help a friend move.
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ME: it’s 69 degrees in france
FRIEND: nice
ME: no paris
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
[on the way home]
Me: I have some tea to share with you
13, looking super confused: can, can I have it?
Me: no, tea as in like gossip
13: what, what brand is that?
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
just left a huge legacy in there
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
If breakfast is the most important meal of the day, what does that make the rest of them?
Is lunch like the middle child of meals? Never getting any attention.
Is dinner the child that tried to follow in the footsteps of breakfast? Failed miserably and ended up a drunk instead?
We built this community from the ground up as opposed to choosing a point in the air and building downwards from there.
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.