“dress for the job you want”
“ok!”
*shows up to work naked*
“what are you doing”
“i don’t want a job”
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My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
A fellow lawyer brought me a homemade poundcake today because she said I was a nice person. So sweet! I brought it home and now no one will eat it because, as my son said, “What if she is trying to murder you?”
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
PHILOSOPHY MAJOR: humanity is at risk
STEM MAJOR: because global warming is affecting sea levels
ENGLISH MAJOR: is it affecting or effecting
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container
And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.
Dusting the thermostat for fingerprints.
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
At bath time, my 4-year-old asked if he could use “the other bath.” We only have one, so, filled with curiosity, I grabbed his little hand and asked him to show me. Kid led me to the dishwasher.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
My mailman is scared of me because I’m always doing handstands on my porch when he comes by and I sometimes chase him around a little
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?