Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
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When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
there’s probably a fee though
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
BRAIN: here comes a compliment guys
HEART: yay!
ANXIETY: idk about this
INSECURITY: [bats it away] close one
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
My walk of shame is putting back the 9 boxes of assorted cereals that my wife found in the grocery cart.
oh shit
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
There are 3 certainties in life
-death
-taxes
-anxiety anytime someone asks me what I’ve been up to
Fact: If you ever blow me a kiss, I’m catching it and sticking it down my pants.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
If you’re going to flirt with me while I’m selling raffle tickets,
you had better buy a damn raffle ticket.
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
I instantly feel horrible when I judge someone, so I stopped.
Now I make rational conclusions based on insightful observations.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me