It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
You Might Also Like
Lost my chapstick today, but a few hours later I found one on the floor of a men’s room at an interstate rest-area. Looks like my luck is finally turning around.
The mood took a dark turn when I intercepted the wedding bouquet and ran it back for a touchdown.
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
[meeting aboard the ISS space station]
Capt: all personnel are-David sit down please
Me trying to open a window cos it’s stuffy: in a minute
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
What if the “Silent Majority” is just people who don’t wear corduroys?
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Cashier: sir the conveyor belt isn’t meant for riding
Me: I- I gotta know
Cashier: know what?
Me: *sighs* what I’m really worth.
scan me
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
Lucius Malfoy: Who on Earth are you?
John Mayer: (holding a sock) Your Dobby is a wonderland.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
damn he’s good
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
[lying in bed after sex] my dad hit someone with his minivan in 1989.
I accidentally answered the phone with my last name and got promoted to homicide detective
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
こいつ天才
Leave a Post-It on your girlfriend’s birth control that says, “guess u don’t want 2 have my babies haha.”
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.