Mornin
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I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.
If yahoo! hasn’t given up then why should I??
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
[interview to be a spy]
interviewer: so tell me why you’re hereme: no
interviewer: very good
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Wonder Woman 2: Wonder Woman goes to Costco. She pulls apart 2 shopping carts that are stuck together. Costco shoppers amazed. Roll credits.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
*opens up briefcase in court, revealing snakes*
“Wait. Then that means-”
[cut to my nemesis waking up surrounded by my opening statement]
FBI: “Report anything that seems suspicious”
Citizens: “Jet fuel can’t melt steel beams”
FBI: “K like not anything anything”
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows
Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?
My six year old just hissed at me. I’m either doing this parenting thing right, or horribly, horribly wrong.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[on Mars]
ASTRONAUT: An alien!
MISSION CONTROL: Ok, so
A: I choke slammed it
MC: What?
A: Another one!
MC: DO NOT CH
A: [choke slam noises]
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*