i need a six-month vacation twice a year
You Might Also Like
mmm onion ringos
“What if Waldo finds me first?” I ask naively. Grandma closes the book; the blood drains from her face. “Don’t let that happen,” she warns.
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
According to Verizon, the cable guy should be here sometime between 10:00 a.m. and the return of Christ.
Junior scholars: “I feel awkward citing myself”
Senior scholars: “as I cleverly argued (1988; 1991), admirably reiterated (1993; 1995; 1996); and handsomely concluded (2001; 2004; 2007)…”
Netflix just asked me “Are you really going to eat that too?”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
New comic up. “Ransom”
Shred some cheese for me? Thanks, you’re the gratist
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
After Jaws, I wouldn’t go in water. After the Godfather, I wouldn’t eat at Italian restaurants. I wish I’d seen the Omen before having kids.
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Damn girl, are you a plate of microwaved leftovers? Because you’re hot on the outside and cold on the inside.
Woke up super stiff all over and when I tried to look down, my neck had morning woodn’t.