what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
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There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Last night my dog got busted taking a cat poo out of the litter tray and relocating it to the living room carpet and let me just say a LOT of things are now making sense. Got to commend the lad on his long game here.
Prayers for my husband who texted back “k” when I said “Happy Anniversary, hoping for 25 more years!”
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
BOROMIR: One does not simply walk into Mordor.
[Later]
FRODO: *Rollerblading into Mordor* So literally—
SAM: *Doing the Charleston into Mordor* Yeah literally anything but walking will get you in.
My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
me: [lists something on fb marketplace for $400 that’s worth $1,000 new.]
person: take $6??
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
Me: haha, my ISP wants to sell me a landline, get with the times lol
Tech experts: I only communicate by carrier pigeons that I’ve *very* thoroughly vetted
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
I feel sorry for the Phillip whose head inspired the screwdriver.
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
You’re old you’re excited to learn how to play Mahjong
Jesus has seen me naked and that’s why he made me funny.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to