Why put it off till tomorrow when you can get a jumpstart and start screwing it up today.
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I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
There’s no cool way to get your braces unstuck from the carpet.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
GUY: Sorry you two broke up. What happened?
ME: Well, like most things, it can be traced to the assassination of Archduke Franz Ferdinand…
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
Wife just read through all my tweets.
Her eyes are very slowly rolling back into place.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
GANG LEADER: Me and my boys, we run these streets
ME: That’s great fellas. Fitness is important.
*violence noises
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
If life gives you lemons, remember that they are the result of humans crossbreeding bitter oranges with citrons and do not occur naturally. Therefore life never gave you any lemons to begin with; we made them up.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Doctor: you need to include more fruits and vegetables in your diet
Me: I hear the words but they’re not making any sense
Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
[slowly unbuttoning my flannel] give me a minute while I slip into something more uncomfortable
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal