A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
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Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
GOD: *invents mouse* I like it
MOUSE: Yes this is “mousestanding” work haha
GOD: *invents cat*
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Ten bucks says next year Planet Fitness uses the slogan “Flatten Your Curve.”
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
I got replaced as Romeo in the high school play because the girl playing Juliet kept stabbing herself in Act I.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
Spice up any Facebook comment with random quotation marks.
“Congrats” on your baby.
Congrats on “your” baby.
Congrats on your “baby”.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
When I wear cargo shorts and I need to find my phone I suddenly transform into a baseball coach giving play signals.
me eating the fries out of everyone’s bag but my own before I get home
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
Kill it with fire!
*douses it in hot sauce*
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
Having a reputation for being irresponsible gets me out of having to do a lot of stuff.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
“help us improve instagram” nice try fix your own damn website.
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.