So when a bear steals a picnic basket it’s “endearing” and “funny” but when I do it it’s “rude” and “unsanitary”
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Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
ME: sit
DOG: [sits]
ME: good boy. roll over
DOG: [rolls over]
ME: good. now speak
DOG: [clears his throat] time is the fire in which we all burn
ME: bad dog. very bad
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
Sorry, I can’t be around you today.
The temptation to smack you in the face is just too great.
Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
CASHIER: *squinting at credit card* Bruce Wayne, huh?
BATMAN: shit
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Mornin
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
[phone rings]
me: hello?
NASA: this is nasa. stop thinking about peeling the moon like a big orange and eating it.
me: [quickly hangs up]
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha