I saw the most beautiful woman at the store today so of course I did the sensible thing and imagined what our whole life would be like if we fell in love and then I never spoke to her.
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Flex on your relatives by answering their phone call.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
I’ve not been into the office since March, but I can still smell the boiled eggs my coworker ate at lunch on that last day.
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
I like to reassure my girlfriend that even though I don’t have big muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
stop it stop it don’t cook him stop
I got 99 problems and they’re all friend requests from people I didn’t like in high school.
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
Hey buddy, if you didn’t want me napping in your pet store you shouldn’t have sleeping rooms filled with puppies.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Spider-cat: No One Home
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
moisten thyself and wait for me in the westernmost grunting shed