how do lawyers not cry when arguing
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I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Everything’s free if you learn to mimic the beep of the self-checkout scanner
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
Principal: Your son is a gamer
[Parents are visibly shaken]
Principal: Oops, wrong kid. Actually yours is on drugs.
Parents: OH THANK GOD
Me, to all my kids before the age of 2.
“No screens allowed.”
On their 2nd birthday, handing over iPad.
“This is your mother now.”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Board Game
10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!
Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*
10: *laughing* OMG!
Me: What?
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Drop a house on me, so I know it’s real
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
Me : can you be my quarantine partner ?
Her : Hmmm …first , Show me your
stimulus packageMe : 🤦🏾♂️
Her : DO NOT TOUCH YOUR FACE.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in