This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.
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RT if you could go either way.
How do I tell my doctor I only like him as a friend
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I read a list earlier today of toxic things one should avoid
Anyway, thought of you
me: [whispers] “don’t tell my wife i made bacon in the toaster”
my wife: [getting out car] “what the hell happened?!”
all 6 firemen: “he made bacon in the toaster”
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
“I’m just here for a good time, not for a long time.”
– me, talking to the fridge
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
What’s that thing called when your crush likes you back? oh yeah imagination
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
A: Black coffee, no cream please.
B: Sadly, we don’t offer cream, sir. May I suggest no milk instead?
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Me: Does anyone need to use the restroom?
My kid: I have to poop, but Imma hold it till we get on the plane.
Y’all I saw eyes in the forest on my walk tonight and got kind of scared until I used my flashlight and now I’m DYING
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give “sitting” a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down 👍
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser