Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
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The last time I danced like nobody was watching, someone stabbed me with an EpiPen.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
Crying and holding my daughter, “look baby, she looks like us.”
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
[hanging Vanilla Ice from a balcony by his ankles]
Vanilla Ice: “dont drop me! ill give you anything! ill sign my royalties over to-”
me: “royalties? i just want more raps about ninja turtles”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Fellas, here’s a flirting tip: If a girl plays with her hair while taking to you, it means she has lice and you should stay away from her.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
Percentage of men in the world with blue eyes: 8%
Percentage of men in romance books with blue eyes: 99.9%
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Just saw an ambulance pull into a cemetery, like dude, you’re too late.
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
IF SEAL IS BROKEN, PLEASE NOTIFY ZOOKEEPER IMMEDIATELY
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur