<- I’ve been drinking for almost 6 hours. If you see something wash up on shore that looks like this, please identify me.
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The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
today. for the first time in a long time. i checked on the skittle under the fridge. i’m happy to report it’s still there. minding its business. doing the best it can. we should all strive for such an existence
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
I’m just saying, the ratio of people who say they “make their own sauce” doesn’t correlate with the amount of sauce available in stores
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Having kids means you’ll have a lot of interrupted conversa–
Me: My sex life is like your car.
Friend: What? Sleek, performance-inspired, 6-speed, classic & acclaimed?
Me: Nope. Electric powered.
This probably isn’t good
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?
KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!
ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it
i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
*launders Kohls cash*
Bee hives are like nature’s free piñatas. Except when the candy comes out it chases you and causes anaphylactic shock.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I switched to brown eggs but can barely taste the chocolate. Huge disappointment.
My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Definition of Insomnia:
Finding a spider in your bedroom & when you leave for a second to get the spray & come back it’s gone
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.
I am starving and horny. This cucumber is going in me one way or another.
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
My boss threw a Snickers at me and I caught it one handed so I think I’d be a good athlete if sports were played with candy bars