Women with horses are rich versions of cat ladies.
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You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
REPORTER: you say you spotted the missing hikers somewhere in these woods
CLEARLY A BEAR IN A FLANNEL & AVIATORS: [right on mic] briefly yes
We all wear masks.
I’m about to trade in my ‘polite coworker’ mask for my ‘dude you don’t want to meet in a dark alley’ mask
In 3…2…1
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
pep talk
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
I’m 45 yrs old. I have never turned on a flashlight without making the lightsaber noise
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
Trying to remember if I ever promised anyone I’d do something “the next time there’s a total solar eclipse” just to get them off my back
“I’m halving a baby!” – King Solomon
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
shampoo implies shampee
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
you know what’s a waste of time? when you call a medical office and their message starts with, “if this is a life threatening emergency, please hang up and call 911” … if you didn’t learn that by the age of 4 then who are we to interrupt natural selection?
[being chased round my house by a murderer]
ME: PLEASE STOP THIS IS SENSELESSMURDERER: What?
ME: [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
ARSONIST: I will be the firefighter’s greatest enemy.
GUY WHO PUTS CATS IN TREES: I will also be that.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
I accidentally said erotic instead of erratic and I guess I’m attracted to squirrels now.