5: Can we go outside and play.
Me: I’m sorry but I don’t feel good. I’ve been throwing up.
5: Can’t you just throw up outside?
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30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Marriage vows should include “I will be super annoyed with you any time you come down with a cold”
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
PSYCHIC: I can feel a spirit in this house.
ME: Is it saying anything?
PSYCHIC: Yes, your car warranty is about to expire…
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
listen closely
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
You’re doing a 30 day cleanse? How dirty are you?
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
Protip: If your wife asks you “When are you going to clean that up?” never respond with “I was waiting for someone else to do it.”
My Fitbit is just a wristband that says “keep walking”.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Interviewer: Describe your current position.
Me [from my wheelchair]: Seated.
Tim Cook just came out. Waiting for the Android version.
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead