[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
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A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Me: Says here you’re a house flipper. So you renovate and resell them, huh?
A tornado: ≋N≋o≋
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
What’s so funny?
The neighbors are looking at me strangely again. Like they have never seen a man sitting on his roof with a pair binoculars before.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
#merica
*takes off Scooby-Doo head*
Rivorce?!
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
I need Apple to develop a slurred speech to text feature.
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
i think the scariest thing about entering the witness protection program would be my new astrological sign
My bank called me as it received an alert for unusual activity. I was buying fruit.
I have never seen a construction crane being put in place. They just show up.
If you bring back your paper bags at Whole Foods, they’ll give a refund of 5 cents. After a year you’ll have enough money to buy an orange.
{Commercial for Floors}
Is this you?
{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
Giving someone a Dunkin Donuts gift certificate for their birthday is the perfect way to say “I love you” and “I hate you” at the same time