*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
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I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
Thinking about crashing people’s romantic dinner and screaming “Who is she?”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
me: do you have coke
cat waiter: is pspspsps ok?
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Not saying the carpet needs cleaning but I just dropped a donut and now it’s an everything bagel.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
It’s normal that my retirement plan is 100% contingent on me finding buried treasure at some point, right?
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
[tinder date]
me: oh wow this is awkward
sunset: *just kinda sets there*
me: but i thought you were, you know
sunset: *still setting*
me: a shy woman who used a sunset pic as your profile photo and not uhhh
sunset: *fully sets behind the restaurant table edge*
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
🤷🏽♀️🤦🏽♀️😩
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
SHOUTOUT TO LIBRARIANS! (*sorry*)
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
*puts on headphones
*cranks “Eye of the Tiger”
*downs energy drink
*laces up Nikes
*runs out into 13° weather
*runs back inside
*Naps
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.