HER: congratulations on having twins
ME: triplets
HER: but there’s only two of them
ME: shit
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I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Oh no, it’s raining! What do I do? What’s a green light? What’s a stop sign? What’s a blinker? Where’s the brake pedal?
~people
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
“At least you’ll be safe from zombies,” I whisper to myself as I struggle to get my head out of the armhole of my shirt.
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Me: I was so drunk last night. Who was the hot redhead I was talking to for so long?
Friend: That was a statue of Ronald McDonald.
Hubs: You’re home all day, why isn’t the house clean?
Me: You’re at work all day, why aren’t we rich?
Hubs: Touché
“Welcome to money management. Have you all paid your $200 entrance fee?”
“Yes”
“Excellent, never give money to strangers. Class dismissed”
Co-worker: “If you love something, set it free, if it comes back it’s yours to k..”
Me – “THOSE ARE BOOMERANGS, MICHELLE.”
Wife – “I can’t do this anymore. It’s either me or ur dinosaur themed hip-hop group”
Me – “well then I’m afraid I choose the VelociRapStars”
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
Would you get your phone if you dropped it in a toilet?
1996: eww that’s gross
2016: head first without thinking
you’ve heard of fomo now get ready for fobi (fear of being included)
I had a few too many beers at an art exhibition and threw up all over the floor. Someone offered me three grand for it.
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
If it’s the thought that matters, I had a shower today 😉
If Iron Man and the Man of Steel were to team up, they’d be powerful alloys.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
It would be awesome if the Joker movie ended with Batman yelling “Oh HELL no” off camera and swooping in and just beating the absolute shit out of him.”
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.