Evil villain: I’ve been expecting you.
*Swivels around in swivel chair*
*Superhero runs over & spins chair faster*
Evil villian: WEEEEE!
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Alarm: beep beep beep
Me: I respectfully decline.
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
[Bar]
HER: I want to have sex so badlyME: [trying to impress her] I am so bad at sex
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
Men what’s stopping you from dressing like ’80s horror movie hunks
Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning
Me: Why
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
You break into a petting zoo once, to try and brush a goat’s teeth…and all of a sudden you’re banned for life.
*sighs*
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
[first day as homicide detective]
Cop: any signs of forced entry?
Me: yeah, a bullet somehow forced its way through his face & into his head
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
jesus christ confetti not now
Red Bull gives you wings.
Sugar Daddy gives you things.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
Settle down lifeguard, I can swim, it’s just not pretty to watch.
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”