him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
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Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
favorite tropes as memes
Why didn’t the people in the movie Armageddon just hold up a big sheet of paper when the meteor was coming? Paper beats rock…
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
I’ve noticed that my parents talk about ‘the good old days’, they always seem to stop at 1979. Which is great, because that’s also the year I was born,wait… What?
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
Aquarius: Your career is moving forward this week. Not with you, of course. Wave to it as it drives away in a new Lamborghini.
If snakes were wide
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
I’m sorry, I’m about to lose you because I’m driving through a tunnel underwater in a canyon on an airplane while hanging up the phone.
When my evening plans are ruined, I pay it forward by texting “I’m pregnant” to random numbers.
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
ME (working in a bank): Ugh I am so tired today
ROBBER: EVERYONE ON THE GROUND & DO NOT MOVE
ME [blowing up neck pillow] I could kiss you
When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
When I’m worried about something, I find that going on a walk is a great way to get outside, breathe, and think of new things to worry about
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford