I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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The new iPhone 7 is just a slower, heavier, thicker, and much less attractive version of the iPhone 8.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
BABY BOSS: we need to talk about your work ethic
ME: *covers face with hands*
BABY BOSS: oh guess he’s out for lunch. I’ll talk to him later
I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation
The letter n always has to be the centre of attention.
My ex boyfriend was into two types of women:
1) Me
2) My Best Friend
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
fellas, if your girl:
•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so longshe’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
“O honey, it looks like you got your period last night. I guess well need to get new shee- wait! Wait one minute!” ~ Japanese flag designer
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.