What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
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My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Brain: Too much to think about to sleep.
Me: But I have work tomorrow.
Brain: I don’t care-
*alarm goes off*
-okay you can sleep.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
I wish my car had spikes on the wheels like the chariot in Ben-Hur. I’d only use them against people who really deserved it, like drunk drivers or people who don’t do the thank you wave when you let them merge.
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I wouldn’t eat all of the Christmas cookies if my wife didn’t leave them out in the open, under the shirts on the top shelf in the back of the closet.
My wife threw my new football over the wall as she thought it belonged to our neighbour’s 9 year old lad.
I’ve had to ask them if I can please have my ball back.
I’m 36 years old.
The cashier just checked me out.
Forget ‘a jury of my peers’ I want to be judged by a talking horse
I’m so old, I remember when a hashtag was called a pound sign.
And before that, we used to play Tic-Tac-Toe on that shit.
I often think of the time I thought I had lost my phone and spent five minutes looking for it while ON THE PHONE with my sister. As I was looking, she asked if I wanted her to call it. We are geniuses.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
“French town to register all local dogs’ DNA to cut mess left on streets. Database will find wrongdoers & fine them.” No fines yet but so far six Poodles have found out they are half Borzoi, two Corgis found their birth mothers, and a Maltese is suing a Pug for child support.
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My brother threw a rock at my sister when we were kids. It broke a window, and he blamed her because she ducked.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Wife: our house is a mess, we should throw some stuff out. I’ll start with the bedr-
Me: DON’T YOU DARE TOUCH MY BED RUM!