The platypus is what happens when you take a perfectly good concept and send it to network executives for notes.
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[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
[bank heist]
rob: what’s the plan
me: tom, you get the car ready while i hold up the bank
rob: it’s “rob”
me: sorry, tom get the car ready while i rob the bank
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
My wife and children normally go to bed around 8:45. I do not. My house is very quiet and I am able to get a lot of work done while they’re sleeping.
About a minute ago, I turned around in my office just as my wife was coming to say hello.
I am ashamed of the scream I made.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Whoever decided on spelling “biscuit” really needs to get their shuit together.
*prepares to cook vegetarian chili* *spills the beans* Whoa, I suppose you could call that.. *lowers shades with a spatula*.. Kidney failure
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Kids: Why does dad still have to go to work if this virus thing is so serious?
Him: I’ve been working from home this whole week
Me: They haven’t looked up from their iPads since Monday
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
choose your fighter
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
Random person: How are you?
Me: you too.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs