WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
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My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
Is it lovers quarrel or lover squirrel?
either way, couples therapy is going great
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
Me: I don’t think this is going to work
Wife: I know, I’ve been feeling like that for a long time. We’ll be so much happier with other people
M: I was talking about switching the toilet paper so it rolls under
First person to see an eclipse: SHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII…oh okay
Thinking of opening a new deli in India but I have no idea what to call it.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Dear Cereal Makers,
Exactly how tall do you think kitchen cabinets shelves are?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
Ever get up, put the dogs out, unclog the overflowing toilet the wife left for you, get dressed for work, let the dogs in and then wake up in the easy chair and find you’re 20 minutes late?
Just me?
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
Not today. 😅
all car guys agree that a dream car should be hard to get, expensive and fast as hell but get all pissy when I say “so the batmobile then”
Fun Fact: When you die, someone will feel inconvenienced that your funeral is on a particular day. lol
Laundry needs to be put away.
I look at the basket.
The basket looks at me.
Old western shoot our music looms in the background.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
[college career fair]
Me: I cheated my way through school, lied to professors & learned nothing, FML
*CIA recruiter hires me on the spot*
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro