[wife in labor]
*i press play on cassette
{Ice Cube – You Can Do It}
Wife:WHAT THE HELL
Me: sorry hun
*ff to {SaltNPeppa – Push It}
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The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
texted a girl “what are you up to” a week ago and she has yet to respond. can’t believe she’s thinking this hard about it lol it’s a simple question. honestly i might just ghost her
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
I hate when someone sneaks up in front of you when you’re scrolling on your phone
‘what goes on inside your head?’ nothing i wanna be a part of
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
What they’re actually saying is “I can’t even [finish this sentence due to the complexities of being a white girl on the existential level]”
I brought a road drink with me while supervising my son’s learner driving. Unless that’s illegal, in which case, I did not & mind ya business
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I know how to pronounce worcestershire until I see it written.
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
no their not
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Can I be wracked with something other than guilt. Like. Can I be wracked with spaghetti.
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
“You know what pal, lay your own damn eggs” – jerk chicken
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?