[At drive through]
GUY: would you like a drink holder?
ME: ya sure
[driving home]
ME: so uh, what’s the pay like?
GUY IN BACKSEAT HOLDING TWO SPRITES: It’s not great.
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A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
My wife said “You only love me because my father left me a million pounds.”
“That’s not true, I’d still love you whoever left it to you”
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
also check out:
hooray it’s herpes
smile, you’re diabetic
depression for dummies
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Today I learned that a Roomba does not clean dog poop very well, but it does leave a trail as to where I can find it.
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Me at 18: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
Me at 34: If I don’t get some sleep, I’m going to die.
My therapist thanked me for making her decision to retire early much easier.
So I’ve got that going for me.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Horrifying if literal: arm candy
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
just spilled alphabet soup on my keyboard. I’m so confused
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.