In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
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me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
In email they should change “Save As New” to “Ugh, I’ll Deal With That Later.”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
“Do you think I reference dinosaurs too much when I write?” I asked.
She was silent, like the p in pterodactyl, but it said everything.
[1st date]
So, what’s your back story?
“I have scoliosis”
No, I mean your BACK STORY, like your history
“Oh! I got scoliosis as a child”
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
Nothing says you’re failing as an Asian like your waiter discreetly handing you training chopsticks.
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
what if in airbud they put the dog in and they didnt win that coach would feel stupid
Guys with no personality that want to come across as “edgy”
“tHe bEaTLeS wErE oVeRaTeD”
Offering $50 and a case of beer to anyone who can take out my alarm clock and make it look like an accident.
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Honestly people shouldn’t even be allowed to talk until they’re like 35 years old.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.