“I’m an Aquarius, I hate it when people stab me in the back.”
Wow. The rest of us absolutely love it.
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[driving home from a party]
MRS. ELEPHANT: you’re still upset aren’t you
MR. ELEPHANT: i can’t believe they just ignored us like that
MRS. ELEPHANT: they aren’t worth it, just forget it
MR. ELEPHANT: *slams steering wheel* you know I can’t do that linda
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
[being murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then I guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
こいつ天才
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Girl seeing my torn jeans
Where’d you get those?!
*remembers trying to pee on a hill & stumbling backwards through thorn bushes*
The Gap.
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
BREAKING: Cat inherits $300,000 from former owner.
The cat has requested the money in cash so he can push it off a table.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
Chewbacca before you swallowbacca
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Spider-cat: No One Home
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
Dad (92): Please don’t put that <item> there.
Me: Okay. Where would you like me to put it?
Dad: Anywhere you like.
Me: (moves item)
Dad: Not THERE.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book